I wrote this short piece of writing a while ago but never really got round to posting it here. I hope you enjoy reading this, it’s a little bit different to what I usually post, but I wanted to share it with you all nonetheless. I must thank Robert Browning, the long gone poet, who was a fantastic source of inspiration for me, and Kitty for her kind words.
I wonder how you feel today. I would ring you or send you a message, but it’s no question really why I choose against it. I want to eulogise you, as if mourning a dead lover will put the old you to rest.
If I am to be honest with my thoughts I have to admit I never thought you would change, but I have learnt in more than one way that there is no apt situation which will always stays the same. The problem was always that you were looking for some ‘rags to riches’ story, you became transfixed on this utopian, dream-like world which was inconceivable in a capitalist society. It was painful to watch this thought of yours consume you, and rather than using this change as a force for good, you became terribly materialistic, terribly against everything you once stood for. Your ideologies are too heavy to hold and I am thinking of letting you go.
Nothing means anything anymore, save for a scattered metaphor which I’ll drop around you from time to time, knowing full well you’ll never notice. I am confused: what are you supposed to do when someone you once knew well has become, almost “bad”? If I could turn the moral compass within you, then believe me I would, but I cannot fight the force which is reality, and nor can you. I hold fast to reality; one day it will hit you, and your defected morality will soon swing round, back onto a better path. I cannot do this for you, I was not made to change others, hardly mend others, the only way you can change is if you understand your potential to do so. How shall I fix you, fire you, freeze you? – the first step is to understand I cannot do any of these things at all.
For a moment I want to stop writing this, longing to talk to you again and pretend I’m talking to the old you and let the ease of the conversation flow through every doubt I held. But I cannot, and I will not help you in this way, I hope you can understand that sometimes you have to hurt someone to help them, and this is one of those moments. When we were kids you taught me how to ride a bike, you were elder, smarter, wiser, a sure muse and source of inspiration to me. Now, it is as if a great mist clings to my mind, unable to think clearly, using only the fixed stars in the sky to guide my actions. No book written ever told you what to do when your leader becomes polluted with the wrong ideas; for revolution can overthrow a government but it cannot overthrow a friend.
Many philosophers, poets, writers claim that what starts off better can never end worse, well I stand against this. Sometimes, we must accept the defeat that circumstances change, people change and suddenly carrying their thoughts and ideas becomes extra baggage that you don’t want to carry. I don’t want to be there for when you realise idealism is a delusion, I do not want to see you in pain, I fear the time is soon and I don’t want to think about the reverberated consequences of a bitter awakening.
In eulogising you I should thank you for all the memories we have shared together, I will miss the person you used to be, and I can only hope that a part of you does too. I’m sorry if I’m being really vague, just understand that I have to be. Materialism was never the answer, consumerism was never the answer. The answer, I can almost hear you ask through this glass screen, is in humbleness. If we are to advance in unity with the rest of society, you must understand it cannot be done through Instagram likes or tweets, nor through Prada bags or Cartier jewellery. We can only do it by altering our own intuition, devloping the virtues of gratitude and humbleness.
For now, I can all but see that the path we had once in unison embarked on has divided into two, I have a choice and I have one way out of here, I can just hold futile hope that your awakening will lead you here too. For now, this friendship will not end with a bang or bitterness, rather, it shall dwindle, shall blend, shall change, shall become first a peace out of pain.
Thank you for reading.